Any Day Now

I'm not sure I can adequately describe what's going on in my soul right now. But (you guessed it) I'm going to try.
For months (over a year) I've been on a spiritual quest. The goal has changed over that time but the quest continues. At the beginning it was simply to renew my discipleship to Jesus. That's actually a poor choice of words. There's nothing particularly simple about it. The first lesson I learned is that renewal is never a result of my pursuit but always the fruit of God's will and action. So the goal changed from me pursuing to me being pursued. Since then I am busy running. He pursues me and I need to stop running off in other directions. God stirred up some people in my congregation to seek renewal in our assembly worship. Several months down the road I am revisiting lesson #1. Worship renewal is never a result of my pursuit but always the fruit of God's will and action. So now the goal is to stop just listening to these people but to help these people continue listening to God. Change is a necessary part of renewal but I have been too focused on the change and how it is affecting me/us. Change is going to happen as a part of renewal from God whether I try to manage it or not. I've decided, perhaps perilously, to stop trying to manage the change and just let God guide the process and, more importantly, the purpose.
So where (some concerned souls are surely asking) has that taken me. It's taken me to the place of questioning my identity and purpose as a church minister in the kingdom of heaven. If that is defined by anything less than the identity and purpose of Jesus, then I am ministering amiss. So now the goal is to help the congregation where I serve to be on a united spiritual quest seeking their collective identity and purpose. I'm not sure how much help I can be. Again, lesson #1 keeps popping up. The challenge will be for me to let God define the purpose and drive the process. Maybe I can lead by being firmly in the sights of God's pursuit.
I must sound like a sorry leader. That's because I am a sorry leader. I'm sorry about a lot of things. I can't tell you how many times I go back to the burning bush to to ask, "Could you please explain one more time how this is going to happen?" The answer differs a bit each time but it always is prefaced with "O ye of little faith..."
Stay tuned. In a month I leave for Mexico on a mission to build a school. I'm excited but I'm also scared. I sense that God is up to something more than I can imagine and for which I certainly didn't ask. That whole scripture (Eph. 3:20) used to be a favorite but now I'm reserving judgment on it.
I know, it's true... O me of little faith.
I've grown used to the uncertainty of where all this is going and beginning to feel comfortable with that. But it seems God will soon show me what He's up to. Any day now! And I might not be so comfortable anymore.